Have you ever wanted your very own child star, a little pop singing bundle of joy that can make you money while you retire to being his or her manager? It's easy, and don't worry about talent; it's not necessary.
Just follow the methods laid out by such child greats as Britney Spears, Hannah Mon...make that Miley Cyrus and Justin Timberlake to create your own pop sensation.
Step one: Get Yourself a Baby.
I'll spare you to details of how this step is achieved
but it requires a man and a woman - presumably you're one of
those - and nine months of incubation. Don't worry if you
don't get it right on the first try you'll enjoy repeating
this step again and again.
Step two: Get that Kid Working!
As soon as your product of love can stand on its own two
feet and read a cue card get them working. Sit-coms and
children's shows are the perfect venue for your future pop
star. Just look at what a little choppy choreography and
prepubescent singing can do for a career; here are Justin
Timberlake, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera in an early run
of the Mickey Mouse Club.
Step three: Tart it up!
Once your child moves from tween to teen it's time to
dress them up like a street walker and encourage them to shake that
moneymaker. This is easier if your little money-maker's a girl,
of course. But, it also works with guys: Justin Timberlake.
This is *very* important when considering song choice. Sex and lust are perfect topics for your young teen; think "Baby one more time" and "Tearin up my heart." You're guaranteed to get the opposite sex drooling and the same sex idolizing. It also helps bring in...uh...fans older than the targeted age bracket.
Other things to consider during this phase: 'accidentally' anonymously releasing naughty pics and texts to the web for a quick-hit of coverage. (See: Vanessa Hudgens)
Step four: Close those licensing deals!
Time for product placement - you're selling yourself
short putting your child in a Coca-Cola t-shirt; put Coca-Cola in
your child. Take a note from the little Cyrus, you can't walk
into a Wal-mart without finding her face everywhere - cereal boxes,
children's toys, candy bars, the sky's the limit.
Step five: Release required album written by others. It's time to make a token effort on the hype. In other words, it's time for Auto Tune, uncredited songwriters and hookmeister pop producers.
Step six: Ride hype to crossover to film as quickly as
possible
Your manufactured pop sensation is now free to do films,
music, whatever they please.
(NOTE: you may start with middling film or TV and THEN
crossover to unoriginal music, too.)
A word of warning: this is also the point where your child will most likely have some sort of breakdown. They may cutoff their hair, or generally go manic.This is a risk worth taking.
If you spin it correctly it could work for you and lord knows you'll have the money for the spin doctors.
If, for some odd reason, this doesn't work as planned, insert step 1a: Befriend a manufactured child star. (Also known as 'doing a Demi Lovato.')
Need a visual tutorial? This YouTube video covers the basics of my theory...
Play the game: Create a Pop Star the video game on PBS
Submit Your Theory
It worked for Brittany Spears, Justin Timerlake and Christina Aguilera and it can work for you, too!
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